Adopting Children When You’re Middle-Aged
Walk down the main street in my Boston neighborhood and you will see a sidewalk crowded with older folks pushing baby strollers. You might think these folks are grandparents to the children, but you would be wrong. They are the parents. It has become extremely common — at least in my corner of the world — for 40+ women and men to adopt late in life. The reasons for this vary. For some, it is because they are gay or lesbian and the option to have children was not immediately available, hence adoption. In addition, by the time you figure out if you can afford to adopt, whether you are going to adopt domestically or internationally, and to wait to be approved for an adoption, it can take years. For others it could be that it takes time to realize that they are indeed suited to raising a child. Perhaps for others, career ambitions have been satisfied, and it’s time to set that aside for perhaps more meaningful pursuits.
Several friends of mine have adopted internationally — from China, Eastern Europe and South America. Some have adopted domestically.
Here’s a thoughtful piece on adopting at midlife.
Is this trend of adoption at midlife a commonplace occurrence where you live?
March 10th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Great, thoughtful and evocative article! I left a more detailed comment at Midlife Bloggers but want to say that as an adopted adult whose parents were considered “older” back then, I appreciated their maturity. People at midlife are wise enough to know what they’re getting into, and if they’re up to later life adoption and working with any issues it creates, that should be the only measure of whether or not to do it.
March 10th, 2009 at 11:33 am
My adoptive mother was 41 and adoptive father was 40. Yes, it made a huge difference for me at the time. Yet, I have friends who had natural children when they were 40 and friends who had children when they graduate high school.
As a boomer, who fell into that 1965 dividing line (my own theory) where you either married out of high school, went to work or went to college (a low percentage from the area I grew up in), I realize how much the ideaology and themes of your generation as well as parents is influential.
We, as boomers, are and have been more youth oriented than my elderly parents. It is unfair to say and perhaps wrong to say, so I say this kindly and respectfully that I am only retelling my own story and not to make generalizations that may hurt or upset someone. I took a lot of ridicule in having an older mother than classmates or friends. My mother had a hard life and bad marriage, all of which she tried to shield me from – yet, she didn’t believe in divorce for a second time (only after my fathers passing did I learn she had been previously married) nor did she really want a grown child. Babies were the most she could cope with and she spent many hours with younger mothers and when I was a young adult with her friends children’s children.
I know that one of my closest friends who had a child at 41, worked at a job that she and her daughter had to be up at 5 am – never once complained – nor did her daughter. She loved being a mom – had waited a long time for the time to come and now at mid-50’s has a daughter who is 12 years old and they are very, very close. It is wonderful.
So back to the adoption – it really is an individual choice and some thought should be given to overall health picture as well as overall financial picture. Many of these folks will be in their 60’s when their children are going to college. Sadly, our current economy casts its shadow over these thoughts as so many have had retirement plans changed and now would have the increased worry of having a responsibility to map a future for them as well as for themselves.
I don’t have a sense of a “cookie-cutter” answer or a blanket statement. It comes down to a very personal decision as well as a long-term commitment with many issues to consider.
As we don’t have a firm road map for life in hand, the decision can – almost – be a moot point as to when.
March 10th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Hi, and thanks for the link to my piece at MidLifeBloggers! The reason I’m adopting late in life – will be 42 later this year – is that I didn’t realize I wanted kids until fairly recently. If you had asked me five or ten years ago, I would have told you I was never having kids, ever. But things change, and I am very grateful that I will have the opportunity to be a mother through adoption at this point in my life! By the way, I am also in Boston (Roslindale) – it’s a small world!
March 10th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Liz, hi, neighbor! I am in JP. Who knew?!
March 10th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Joyce, I agree on the maturity issue. Waiting means you’ve likely really thought it out.
Linda: Yes, not only adoption later in life but having children naturally later in life. And it’s true that that the economy may make it rough going for those who are still raising kids while they are in their 60s.
March 11th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Most of my single gay friends have adopted at a later age- children in need or from China. with those years of learning behind them, they make exceptional parents.!!Sandy
March 11th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Yes, lots of maturity. China is a popular choice, too, for adoption.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Donor eggs have helped a lot of us boomers become parents as well! Unfortunately, I wish there were more of us. It’s strange to talk with one set of peers about midlife things, and another set of peers about dealing with tantrums. It’s easy to take that part in stride, but the hardest thing (for me at least) is the fact that my daughter will miss out on much of the joy that grandparents bring. But it is what it is.
March 11th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
I am the oldest of an inter-family adoption. My parents (vets of WWII) couldn’t have children and decided to wait. Fortunately for my sister and myself, they waited until they could comfortably afford children. As forMidlife mommy, I do understand. I had no grandparents, but the void was taken up by the fact that I’m a mixed person (half Catholic, half Jewish (no, I’m not going to give you my section of the human race)). I personally believe that older parents are much more capable of raising children. I have a greater appreciation for the arts (encompassing everything). They were also able to give me an extreme education, three Bachelors of Science and a Masters of Science. I know that things can be more difficult as we reach middle age (that term sucks by the way!) but I do believe that we’re more suited to raise children with a better understanding of the world at large.
For those of you that don’t understand, flame on. I really don’t care.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:09 am
“Perhaps for others, career ambitions have been satisfied, and it’s time to set that aside for perhaps more meaningful pursuits.”
Is having children really that much more meaningful than other pursuits in life?
March 12th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Nancy, I never used to think so, but I’ve come over to the other camp.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:23 am
It’s so interesting… in my part of the country, there are fewer of the types of adoptions you write about and more of a different kind. I notice lots of folks here taking on the children of relatives who are sorely-equipped to raise their own children, either for financial, social, or psychological reasons. Many, many times, the biological parent is nothing more than negligent or inept, and somewhere in the family — a great aunt, perhaps — comes to the rescue and takes in the child/children. Very often, this caretaker is also financially-stressed but will find a way to give the child a loving home, through sheer will and diligence, not to mention an unlimited supply of love. God bless every last one of these heroes and mentors… older urban adopters and rural rescuers, alike.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Thanks for the insight, Marilyn. This happens in urban areas, too, usually in the form of grandmothers raising grandkids.
March 12th, 2009 at 11:05 am
I gave birth for the first time at age 41. We don’t see much adoption in our area, but we have a number of friends and relatives around the country who have adopted in their late 30s or early 40s. Of course, most of the parents I am around these days are half my age. I find it interesting to be lectured about child-rearing by 25-year-olds. I listen politely and smile and nod.
Financially we are in much better shape than we were in our 20s, but it also means we’ll be working until we drop dead to pay for college. Assuming I can even find a job once the kids are in school.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Yeah, the whole paying-for-college-in-your-elder-years thang.